What does it mean to be in 'Right' Relationship?

Exploring the world through the lens of relationship

Over the past year, I've heard the term 'Right Relationship' used more frequently. And interestingly, it's shown up in various contexts, including therapeutic, spiritual, religious, and activist spaces. People ask: What does being in Right Relationship with my partner mean? With my body? With the planet? With plant medicines? With God? Right Relationship is also used in systems coaching, where I was first introduced to the term…

Relationship Matters

CRR Global was the first company accredited by the International Coaching Federation (ICF) as a systems coaching training provider. Twenty years later, what makes the training unique, even within team coaching and systems thinking spaces, is its focus on Relationships.

However, back in the 90s, when co-founders Marita Fridjhon and Faith Fuller started this work, organisations weren't interested in relationships; they were all about productivity. As Faith writes in her upcoming book 'Relationship Matters: A new paradigm for an evolutionary leap in Relationships':

"It was all about how do you squeeze more out of less- whether it's people, tasks, or materials? CEOs were actually confused when we talked to them about Relationship Systems. After all, what did relationships have to do with productivity? From their work perspective, relationships were messy, unprofessional, and something to be avoided if possible. Relationship brought up emotion, and emotion should be left at the office door."

The Center for Right Relationship

The CRR of CRR Global stands for The Center for Right Relationship, the company's original name. However, this created much confusion. People questioned if the name referred to the far 'right' in terms of political ideology. Or wondered, if there is 'right' relationship, what does ‘wrong’ relationship look like? So, they simplified the company name to the more widely recognised CRR Global. Even still, Right Relationship was embedded in the company branding from the start and is central to the work. So, whilst many groups and communities have their own links to the term, I want to acknowledge Marita and Faith as pioneers in bringing Right Relationship to organisations. Back when relationships were not considered ‘relevant’ to the workplace, they stood in the fire and declared that "from the living room to the boardroom, we believe relationship matters." 

Full disclosure, I am both a faculty member and host of the CRR Global podcast Relationship Matters. But I came to these positions because of a deep fascination with the work. My first course with CRR Global was a real 'red pill, blue pill' matrix moment; once I started seeing the world through the lens of relationship, I couldn't go back! I can personally testify to the fact that Right Relationship has completely transformed the way I live my life. It's a paradigm shift that continues to change how I interact with the world.

So, what even is 'Right' Relationship?

CRR Global defines Right Relationship as the following:

1. According to what is correct for a particular relationship situation.

2. The best or most suitable of several possible behaviours for a particular relationship event. 

By this definition, there is no 'Right' Relationship. It is an ongoing enquiry that requires constant attention and discernment. I appreciate this interpretation as it keeps us on our toes. We never arrive at Right Relationship; it is a continual dance that requires intention and attention. What might feel like Right Relationship in one moment might look completely different in the next.

For example, Right Relationship with your work when on a family holiday might mean switching off your work phone and requesting that your team reach out on your personal phone if something urgent arises. Doing this prevents you from regularly checking your e-mails and bringing unnecessary work stress to the beach! A beneficial and healthy strategy if you struggle to disconnect. However, as the director of a leadership development company, switching off entirely for a whole week isn't an option. While I value work-life balance and support a 4-day work week, I know that some responsibilities fall on my shoulders as the owner of a small, busy business. So at the moment, when I am on holiday, I will ring-fence a particular time of day to check my e-mails and will only respond to urgent messages. This is what Right Relationship looks like for me right now. But, like the weather, it's continually changing.

A constant state of emergence

The Greek philosopher Heraclitus declared, "The only constant in life is change." Yet here we are 2,500 years on, trying to pinpoint what Right Relationship might look like. We do this in many ways using different terminology: What's the secret to a strong relationship? What does a healthy work/life balance look like? What are the critical ingredients for a happy life? We can think of all of these enquiries as matters of Right Relationship. Everything in life is a relationship, whether that be with another person, project, place or power. To quote Carlo Rovelli, author of Seven Brief Lessons on Physics:

"The world seems to be less about objects than about interactive relationships." 

We can use the principle of relationship to understand how we interact with the world. And whilst the principle of relationship might seem more obvious to apply to people, like your relationship with your father, it can also provide great insight for inanimate things, like your relationship with money. What does Right Relationship with money look like for me? Whilst the enquiry doesn't lead to a definitive answer, the act of asking raises our awareness of the relationship. When we see the relationship, we are forced to acknowledge our agency in the interdependent nature of all things. 

Conversations on Cancer

Right Relationship can also offer us a gateway to exploring challenging situations like divorce, illness or even death. In 2021, Faith Fuller was diagnosed with stage four uterine cancer. I began conversing with Faith about what she was learning after such a life-shaking diagnosis. This quickly became a podcast series on Conversations on Cancer: Finding Right Relationship with Life-Threatening Illness. Across the mini-series, we interviewed cancer patients and their caretakers about what Right Relationship looked like for them after being diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. Topics included: Right Relationship with the body during the journey of Cancer & Right Relationship with Prostate Cancer & Male Identity. Speaking on Right Relationship with Death in Episode 3, Sally Waters shared the following: "Maybe I'll just say yes, just go ahead and die, because even though I have little kids, I was so… I didn't do menopause well. I thought, well, maybe I can do death well. You know, I can be this gorgeous earth mother, and yeah, that would have been really cool. […] I don't remember my birth, but I think I slipped in very easily, and I hope I slip out with grace." Sally slipped away peacefully earlier this year.

These conversations on cancer weren’t about treatment plans, symptoms, or side effects. Instead, they focused on how people related to challenging diagnoses; the illness offered them a mirror that reflected parts of themselves that weren’t always comfortable or easy to see. Yet, without the mirror of cancer, they wouldn’t be who they were at that moment. Interestingly, every guest, in their own words, shared that whilst they wouldn’t wish their diagnosis on anyone, they wouldn’t undo that chapter in their life. Their relationship with cancer profoundly impacted their whole experience of life.

The journey is the destination

So, what does Right Relationship mean? By simply asking the question, we shine a light on the relationship, which does something. It feels similar to a gratitude practice. Even if you can't immediately think of anything, the simple act of looking for something to be grateful for boosts the feel-good chemistry in the brain. I wonder if looking for Right Relationship is similar in that it is both the journey and the destination. A question that refreshes presence and intention and helps us to look deep within ourselves, not so much for answers, but a moment-to-moment truth.

So, where are you challenged right now? Perhaps you're struggling to finish a writing project, feeling stressed with work, arguing with your partner, or facing illness. Try exploring the challenge through the lens of relationship and see what insight it provides. What might Right Relationship with [fill in the blank] look like for you?