As a systemic coach, I help groups of people- teams, departments & couples- leverage the power of collective intelligence. The challenges of our contemporary world are complex and ever-changing, and no one leader can have all the answers. Increasingly, leaders are looking for ways to elevate how they collect and connect information and intelligence within their organisations.
However, I've become increasingly aware of the value of bringing a systemic lens to individuals, both in my work and personal life. Throughout this article, I will be exploring different ways we can take The Balcony View with the intention of embracing the 'self' not as one thing but as a system unto itself: the system of ‘ME’.
Working systemically with individuals isn't just a nice to have in our leadership/coaching/parent/partner tool kit: it's an essential competency for holding the complexity and breadth of the human experience.
The Gemstone Analogy
The system of 'ME' is a way of viewing an individual as one person with many sides. Faith Fuller, co-founder of coach training school CRR Global puts it eloquently in her upcoming book 'Relationship Matters: A new paradigm for an evolutionary leap in Relationships':
"None of us are a single entity. Instead, we are more like cut gemstones. We are one single, beautiful gem of a person, but with multiple facets. As we move through our day, different facets of our character pop up. All these dozens of facets make up who we are."
The gemstone analogy offers a powerful paradigm shift that supports the growth-orientated approach at the heart of coaching. We are one thing but with many parts. And every experience, interaction and relationship will shine a light on the different pieces that make up who we are. Whilst this is a coach approach, it’s a perspective that can add value to many parts of our lives.
At the beginning of the Covid-19 pandemic lockdowns, my husband suddenly had to set up his office in our apartment living room. For the first time in our 10-year relationship, I overheard Dan's 'work voice' and was surprised to hear that he was a "let's take this offline" person (!) He wasn't entirely different; instead, other qualities were more dominant in a work context (like professional, concise, and knowledgeable) than in our marriage (where he is often funny, playful and relaxed). Other sides of Dan's 'gemstone' showed up in ways I hadn't witnessed before, which was both a humbling and hopeful realisation. Even in our most intimate relationships, there is always more to learn. This includes the one we have we have with ourselves….
The Discomfort Zone
When I hear my clients say the words "that's not me", "that's not authentic", or "I'm not that", then it's a cue to start revealing their internal system.
Instead of spiralling into binary thinking ("I am this, but not this"), we can step back and explore ourselves in terms of range. In an article for HBR, Herminia Ibarra writes:
"Career advances require all of us to move way beyond our comfort zones. At the same time, however, they trigger a strong countervailing impulse to protect our identities: When we are unsure of ourselves or our ability to perform well or measure up in a new setting, we often retreat to familiar behaviours and styles."
Outside of the comfort zone is where the learning happens. But it might also cause us to feel vulnerable, exposed and, well... uncomfortable.
A common theme that comes up in my coaching sessions is confidence around public speaking. In fact, this study found public speaking to be America's biggest phobia (followed closely by heights and bugs!)
So, let's imagine you’ve been promoted and want to feel more confident in high-stakes presentations. You feel comfortable talking to your peers but notice yourself feeling unconfident and uncertain when presenting to senior leaders. Firstly, if this feels familiar, know that this is normal. You're out of your comfort zone, so your discomfort is a good sign that you're in a growth & development space.
Secondly, ask yourself what confidence means to you. Quite often, we talk about what we want in terms of what we don't want ("I don't want to tremble" or "I don't want to lose my place.") Instead, get discerning. Get under the bonnet and ask yourself what more confidence would feel like. And what would be happening differently if you had more of it? If this is hard, think of someone you know who presents confidently. What is it that they do that makes them seem confident? Do they speak slowly? Make jokes? Interact with the audience? As opposed to generalising confidence as something we either have or don't have, we can break it down into bite-sized data that allows us to consider the specifics.
As you explore the mechanics of confidence, you might think, "but I'm not funny," or "I wouldn't feel authentic engaging with an audience like that." When limiting phrases pop up, I reframe them as familiar or unfamiliar. "It's not familiar…yet." This simple reframe acknowledges that whilst this part is unfamiliar and may feel strange and unnatural, it's not separate from who you are. Over time, the more we stretch into these secondary parts of self, the more natural and ordinary they will become.
Stretching our Range
The more comprehensive our range, the more choice we have. We all have a set of primary or default qualities that- for better or worse- have helped us to become the person we are today. Now, this isn't about giving up our primary identity (unless we choose to); it's about having more options for whatever life throws at us. Stretching our range enables us to access unfamiliar parts of ourselves that might be useful when a curve ball comes our way. In an interview I recorded with Cynthia Loy Darst, author of 'Meet Your Inside Team – How To Turn Internal Conflict Into Clarity and Move Forward With Your Life,' she shared insights around what it means to expand your range as a coach:
"We're not talking about giving up your primary. I'm not saying don't look smart and professional. I'm not saying that at all. What I am saying is have accessible to you, have in your toolkit, some other possibilities of how to work with people and how to stimulate their creativity."
Friendliness is one of the well-rehearsed qualities I show up with when I am on auto-pilot, which has its benefits and its challenges. It's great for engaging people and making them feel at ease. However, in particular training situations, I've noticed that my default 'friendly' mode isn't the most effective way of grabbing people's attention (like when trying to pause an exercise with 50 excited military personnel!) So, for the last year, I've been working on stretching into the quality of rigour. Initially, pushing into a more rigorous part of me felt unfamiliar and strange (a fear of being called "bossy" has caused me to overcompensate with niceness!) After several months of practice, I am happy to report that it's feeling more familiar. I can't imagine this quality will become a part of my primary identity. Yet, it's now a much more accessible secondary part of self, available whenever I need it.
So, what do you do?
In 2020, I gave a TEDx talk challenging people to examine their default response to that familiar networking question: "so, what do you do?" By exploring the different parts that makeup who we are, we realise that "we're not just one thing. We're not just our job title. And what we 'do' is continually changing." I finished the talk asserting that:
"Who we are is so much bigger and better than what's written on our business cards."
The same applies to how we experience ourselves in every moment. We're not just one thing. And we're also not the one emotion we're feeling at any given moment.
Like the other day when I succumbed to a wave of silent rage after a LinkedIn post reminded me of a particularly unfair work engagement that ended on a sour note. Yes, my rage was real. But it is also not all of who I am. The emotion belongs to me; I do not belong to it.
A part of you is… X
"A part of you is… sad/frustrated/overwhelmed/excited/anxious/stressed." Fill in the blank. Our chaotic, complex, contradictory minds are so much more than a single adjective. This simple phrase helps us zoom out and connect to something more expansive than the one emotion we may be feeling.
Let's say a client comes into a coaching session after a difficult call with their manager. They've returned feeling shut down and dismissed and use the check-in to vent their frustrations. As a coach, my instinct is to meet them where they are by mirroring back what I am hearing/seeing/sensing: "you're frustrated". Yet this practice of labelling only reveals a part of the story. Yes, I can see that they’re frustrated, but that doesn't mean that is all there is. That's why this simple add-on, "A part of you is…" can be so effective when heightened emotions are present, as it empowers the client/colleague/partner/friend to recognise the frustration as a part- and not the whole- of who they are.
Another strategy focuses on substituting personal pronouns (I/You/We). When we feel an intense emotion, we often identify strongly with that emotion in the moment (for example, "I am sad"). By replacing the personal pronouns with more general language (here/there), we create some distance between the emotional state and the person. For example, "there's some sadness here." It's a simple yet powerful way of emphasising to someone that the emotion belongs to them; they do not belong to it.
Both examples use language to create more objectivity around an emotional state. If we are experiencing heightened emotions, these simple reframes can help us to see the emotion without being consumed by it.
The System of ME
Inside every person is a system of selves. In our relationships, I believe it’s vital that we don't lose sight of this through generalisations, assumptions or simplifications. Because every individual is made up of a complex and intricate collection of parts which are all in a constant state of evolution. The more we can step back and hold The Balcony View, both for ourselves and others, the more we can access a greater intelligence and lean into the miracle and the mystery surrounding what it means to be human.
Thanks for reading. I want to leave you with a final question to think about...
How can you become more aware of yours and other people’s ‘gemstones’ as you move through your day?