How to listen effectively...but not now.
Creating agreements and boundaries in relationship that support a need to tune out
In my last article, I discussed energy and listening. Listening is an essential skill set for fostering healthy relationships. At the same time, I also know there is a time and a place for listening to others: sometimes listening, or being listened to, isn't an accessible or wise choice. So why and when might you choose not to listen? Or not to share? And how can we hold this in a way that still serves the relationship?
I'm embarrassed to admit that the evening after sending out my last article, my husband Dan and I argued about... listening! A significant work project had landed on my plate, and I enthusiastically shared the details over dinner. By the end of our meal, I wasn't feeling listened to, and he was ready for a time-out. I've yet to mention that Dan had just returned from a long day at the office with an afternoon of back-to-back meetings. In my excitement, I had dived into sharing without even considering whether he was willing or able to listen. I went in with the expectation that I would be heard without even considering the other person's needs. 30-minutes later, when we reflected and laughed about our little tiff, Dan admitted that his capacity for listening was on the lower side. He hadn't shared this, but I also hadn't created space for him to do so hence, where we ended up
So, this article looks at ways to craft subtle agreements and time boundaries that encourage listening and letting go. How can we create spaces in our relationships that recognise the importance of tuning in and tuning out?
“Me” Time
After facilitating a 3-day coaching session, I crave 'me' time to recharge and reconnect. I love my work, AND it takes a lot out of me. I give a lot of myself to the groups of people I work with. So, the day after a workshop, I will create space for "me time", where I take time to tune in with myself.
Last year, I interviewed Leigh Marz and Justin Zorn, authors of ‘Golden: The Power of Silence in a World of Noise’, and during part 1, they discussed the different types of noise that take us away from silence:
"At one level, there's this silence that's the absence of noise. It's the space where nothing is making claims on our consciousness. But then there's also this deeper level of silence which is not just the absence of noise, in our view, but also this presence unto itself. And it's not something we can easily define for you […] because it's subjective. It's something that each of us knows and can explore in our lives, but we can say that this silence as a presence is a place of humility. It's a place of not having to know the answers, of not having to know what to say, of not having to show up in just the right way; it's a place of expansion and rest and renewal."
When I tune into an internal silence that, as Marz and Zorn describe, is not just the absence of noise but the presence of something else, I find I can return to myself. From this presence, I feel more at peace in myself and more available for the people in my life.
So, after a big delivery, I will try to take time off the next day. If that's not feasible, I will aim to go for a long walk, preferably through nature. This might seem indulgent, but I know from experience that I am a much better partner/friend/coach when I've taken the space to check in with myself. It appears that listening to oneself is critical in listening deeply to others.
Transparency around capacity
When I've been working away, the first evening at home is not the best time to have a DMC (deep, meaningful conversation)! Whilst I can avoid scheduling dinners with friends during these times, there are relationships in my life that require regular tending to. So how can we balance a need for "me" time alongside these primary relationships? We can start by acknowledging our needs and capacity.
Take, for example, my wonderfully supportive family. They love hearing about my business successes and are keen to learn how an event or keynote went. I used to download everything straight after an event before I'd even taken a moment to stop and reflect. I'd come away from these calls feeling more drained and disconnected.
Now, I will ring-fence time to connect a few days later. I might text my family to say, "Everything went well. Looking forward to telling you all about it in a few days." And if they do proceed to call me (out of much love and enthusiasm), I might say something like: "Thanks so much for calling. It went well, and we received some useful feedback. I'm not quite in the headspace to talk about it all yet, and I'd love to share more in the coming days." A statement like this acknowledges the other person's interest and enthusiasm while accommodating your need for quiet time (or a Netflix binge!) Of course, this only works if the conversation is one-sided. If the other person has lots to share about their week, you may need to consider creating a time box…
Time Boxing
A time box is a simple approach that limits listening time. By confining a specific topic to 5 or 10 minutes, you can honour your own or someone else's capacity to listen at that moment. And it can actually improve the quality of the listening that occurs.
Returning to the argument I had with Dan. If I were to a re-do, I would hope the conversation would go more like this:
Me: Hey, how was your day?
Dan: Busy. I had a lot of back-to-back calls in the afternoon.
Me: Oh, back-to-backs are the worst! When are you expected to eat? Pee?
[Laughs]
Me: I have some work news I'd like to share, and I'd like to know if now is a good time?
Dan: I'd love to hear about it, and I'm mindful I'm pretty frazzled from today. Could we timebox it for 10 minutes?
Me: Absolutely, I'll give you the headlines now, and then maybe you can help me brainstorm over the weekend.
Time boxing is an effective strategy for two reasons. Firstly, it creates clarity around when we should be actively listening. Sometimes it's hard to know how long we're supposed to be listening for. Is it for the whole meal? The whole day? This lack of clarity can lead to half-assed listening, where we nod to our partner while simultaneously checking BBC Sport (naming no names!)
Secondly, timeboxing is a helpful strategy for creating boundaries around specific topics. For example, "Let's set aside 15 minutes to discuss some of the challenges we're having with our landlord this week." This is a real example from my life; if left uncontained, it's something I could effortlessly rant about for an hour. Timeboxing creates an outlet with borders to contain the conversation.
Another excellent place for timeboxing is when discussing topics you've been avoiding or don't enjoy discussing. When we know there's a finite amount of time, perhaps dictated by an alarm on someone's phone, we don't have to feel intimidated about tackling a subject. Because we know that we will eventually come up for air when the alarm rings!
Put a pin in it
Finally, don't be afraid to put a pin in it. If you or your partner don't have the capacity to listen, then placing a pin in a conversation can be a very effective strategy. However, this does not mean putting a pin in the conversation and forgetting about it. It's an active strategy for postponing a discussion that wants/needs to happen.
Doctors John and Julie Gottman have been studying couples for 50 years at their research centre, "The Love Lab." In their studies on newlyweds, which followed couples after getting married and then six years later, they followed up with the couples and discovered that many stayed together and many divorced. The couples that stayed married were much better at one thing: they turned towards each other in their relationships. The research found that after six years, the couples that stayed married turned towards each other on average 86% of the time, whereas couples that divorced averaged 33% of the time.
Putting a pin in a conversation isn't turning away; it's not what the Gottman's describe as stonewalling, one of the four toxic relationship behaviour patterns (along with blaming, defensiveness, and contempt.) Stonewalling is shutting down and, in many ways, is the opposite of turning towards in relationship. But it is a protective mechanism that shows up when we feel overwhelmed or psychologically flooded. Stonewalling can show up in a variety of ways. We might walk away, disengage from the conversation or zone out entirely by scrolling on our phones or ignoring the other person. Or we might say: "Can we talk about this later?" and never do. These behaviours build a wall between you and the other person.
Putting a pin in it is an example of turning towards in relationship because it expresses the needs of both sides. For example, "I know you want to share your work news, and I'm excited to hear about it, and right now, my brain is exhausted. Could we put a pin in this for tomorrow morning and grab a coffee together on the way to the train station?" Something like this honours the relationship by acknowledging the needs of both parties. It is a turn towards the relationship because it embraces an attitude of "yes and": "I want to listen, AND would tomorrow lunchtime work?" The key is to ensure a clear desire to reschedule and an effort to remember it. Otherwise, we can quickly forget about those pins!
Turning Towards in Relationship
When we talk about relationships, we often focus on the other person or people, yet we are also a part of that dynamic. So, to properly honour the relationship, we must also acknowledge and care for our needs. By owning what we require through clear communication, we can become better listeners, sometimes by not listening at all! Turning towards in relationship also means turning towards ourselves. So that we can better listen, understand and, as a result, be more transparent and present with the people in our lives.